The Proust Questionnaire: Carlos Greaves

"If you don’t hire Carlos, it’s your Car-loss."

He is one of the funniest people on Substack—a writer and filmmaker (just like me) who always manages to surprise in his posts. He’s constantly reinventing himself and, of course, full of actionable advice on how to grow on Substack. We all know everything about his cat by now (how could we not?), so you’ve surely guessed I’m talking about Carlos Greaves.

Writing satire, especially here on Substack, is harder than it looks. Well, at least Carlos makes it look easy, and that’s why I’m a great admirer of his work.

So now, without further ado, let’s dive into his Proust Questionnaire.

Also don’t forget to check out Carlos here 👇

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Carlos what is your idea of perfect happiness?

I’m of two minds about this, because on one hand, my idea of happiness is being financially comfortable to the point where I could spend my time creating art without worrying about money. On the other hand, I feel like a truer definition of happiness is possessing the ability to accept life’s inherent uncertainties and finding joy regardless of one’s situation in life. Neither feels within reach right now, but I’m trying to get there.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

As a satirist who has written extensively about impending catastrophes like climate change and the U.S. political situation, Cassandra immediately comes to mind. But since she’s a mythological figure and not a historical figure, I’ll go with Voltaire. However, I hope you don’t mistake that as me comparing the quality of my writing to that of Voltaire. I am a way better writer than Voltaire.

Which living person do you most admire?

Jimmy Carter. Underrated president. Undeniably good human.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I wish I wasn’t so uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve always been a very self-conscious person and it’s led to a great deal of social anxiety that’s been a constant source of stress in my life. Other than that, I’m pretty awesome.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

I can’t stand people who are deliberately rude to others, whether it’s writing an ugly comment online or treating a waiter disrespectfully. It blows my mind that anyone can be a full-grown adult and still believe that type of behavior is acceptable. 

What is your greatest extravagance?

Having TSA Pre-check. I travel on a semi-regular basis for work and that luxury makes the airport experience vastly more comfortable. I feel like such an aristocrat breezing past the long, slow-moving, regular security line. I imagine that’s how actual aristocrats must feel about flying first class or private.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

I think the most overrated virtue is the belief that the world is divided into good and evil. Think about all of the worst humans who have ever existed. All of them believed themselves to be good people trying to rid the world of evil people. In my mind, there’s nothing more dangerous than someone who is convinced they are a good person. That’s how people justify committing atrocities.

On what occasion do you lie?

When I lie, it’s most often to spare someone’s feelings. Though I did once lie to avoid getting into a fist fight. I was pulling into a parking garage and stopped to read the signage. The person behind me honked, and, without thinking, shouted “Shut the fuck up!” The driver got out of his car and went up to my window and said “Did you just tell me to shut the fuck up?” To which I replied, plainly, “No.” Taken aback and unsure how to respond, he walked back to his car and that was the end of the confrontation. The moral of the story is, it’s okay to gaslight someone if they’re an asshole and you’d rather not have to fight them.

What is your greatest regret?

Not investing in Amazon in 1997. But given that I was six years old at the time, I’ve forgiven myself for that one.

When and where are you happiest?

I’ll split this into two parts — where I feel the most gratified and where I feel the most content. I feel the most gratified when I have a really strong idea for a piece of writing, and the vision is so clear in my mind that it virtually flows out of me. I feel the most content when I’m doing something utterly mundane with my wife and I look over and think to myself how pleasant it is to be able to do nothing with someone and enjoy it.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Definitely my book, Spoilers: Essays That Might Ruin Your Favorite Hollywood Movies. I realize I’m biased, but I think the book is incredibly funny and criminally underrated. I tend not to brag about my work enough, so there you go, I’m bragging about it. It’s a hilarious book and I think more people should read it.

If you could choose to come back as something, what would it be?

Other than having to shit in a sandbox, my cat has what I would consider to be pretty much the ideal life. 

What is your most treasured possession?

Not to say I consider my cat a “possession,” per se, but definitely my cat. 

Where would you like to live?

I would like to live in a racially diverse U.S. state with a socialist government, located in the South, in a city with great museums and cultural offerings, but that’s also affordable, and is within an hour’s drive of the Appalachian Mountains, but also an hour’s drive from the beaches of the Florida panhandle. Do you know of such a place?

What is your favorite occupation?

I love public defenders. I think they are doing the lord’s work.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Misinterpreting commonly asked questions.

What do you most value in your friends?

The trait I admire most in people, in general, but especially in my friends, is intellectual curiosity. I like surrounding myself with people who find the world as fascinating as I do and are game to explore and discuss it. I can’t imagine not being utterly fascinated by things.

Who are your favorite writers?

Samantha Irby, Fran Lebowitz, Simon Rich, and, if you count screenwriters as writers (which I do), Taika Waititi.

Who are your heroes in real life?

I think few people have ever exhibited as much kindness and grace as Fred Rogers. My professional goal is to be the Fred Rogers of satire. I realize that sentence makes absolutely no sense, but it makes sense in my head somehow.

How would you like to die?

Age 85+, peacefully holding hands with my wife as we both pass away simultaneously like that scene in The Notebook, except that we both have all of our mental faculties, and had the chance to say goodbye to all of our most cherished family and friends. Either that, or sex accident.

What is your motto?

If you don’t hire Carlos, it’s your Car-loss.

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Thanks to

Carlos Greaves

for playing the game 👇

And as ever, merci Marcel.