The Proust Questionnaire: Shalom Auslander
"I think having heroes is a very bad idea."
It’s not every day you get a chance to interview one of your favorite writers. So when
—despite the recent release of his new book Feh and, I’m guessing, a pretty packed schedule—said yes to my request, I was thrilled.I’m a big fan of Shalom’s writing—it’s striking, absurdly poignant, and sharp as a razor. I highly recommend checking out his Substack, where you can join him in the fetal position 👇
This interview was also an opportunity for me to read Feh, Shalom’s latest memoir, which you can grab via the link below. I loved it. It’s funny, moving, disarmingly honest, and, of course, if you’re a fan of Shalom Auslander’s writing, it’s a deep dive into his world.
Now, without further ado, I present you with
‘s Proust Questionnaire!Shalom, what is your idea of perfect happiness?
I’m happy when I know my wife and children are happy. When they aren’t, I’m miserable. It’s like having three nerve endings out in the world, roaming around, unable to protect them but feeling everything they feel.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Job. Except for the part where he gets rich at the end. Fingers crossed, though.
Which living person do you most admire?
To be honest, I admire just about everyone who gets through the day without pulling their hair out or hurting others along the way.. I often think that when people talk about God or sin. “Oh yeah, God? Why don’t you come down here and walk a mile in my shoes, see how far you get. I’ll hang out in Heaven, you spend a day in L.A.” We’re all saints.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
A terrible temptation towards seriousness, the result of a religious upbringing. It’s brutal, pointless and weak-minded.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lack of self-awareness.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Running shoes. They cost a fortune, and I know we as humans have run perfectly well for millennia without them, but I fucking love them. Comfy.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Respect.
On what occasion do you lie?
Interviews.
What is your greatest regret?
How much I regret.
When and where are you happiest?
As above - when I know my wife and children are happy. I suppose that this being a writer interview I’m supposed to say writing or editing or seeing my book in print, and those are all great. But they’re solitary.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Leaving the suffocating world I was born into.
If you could choose to come back as something, what would it be?
I’m more worried about what I might be sent back as, given that God’s cruel and vindictive. A toilet? A plunger? That fawn on that nature program that gets mauled by that tiger? Or that tiger who mauls the fawn, thinks he’s got it made, and then gets mauled by that lion?
What is your most treasured possession?
I have an original Van Gogh. Bunch of sunflowers or something. Not a fan of yellow, really, but it brightens up the living room.
Where would you like to live?
I live in LA, so literally anywhere else.
What is your favorite occupation?
Sex.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Either my warped sense of humor or my enormous genitals.
What do you most value in your friends?
I lost two friends this year, so at the moment I would say, “Not being dead.”
Who are your favorite writers?
Kafka, Beckett, Montaigne, Vonnegut, Albee, O’Connor, Twain. Those names may sound pretentious, but I was fortunate to have dropped out of college after 4 weeks, so I never had a professor ruin them for me. I discovered them in bookstores, and just thought they were hilarious and wise. I thought Faulkner was a riot, same with Nabokov, Chesterton, Marquez. It wasn’t until later that I found out they were deemed “serious,” which is probably why nobody reads them anymore. I’m reading a great little book on Kafka at the moment, and the best translation yet - but he bends himself over backwards to avoid using the F word - funny.
Who are your heroes in real life?
I think having heroes is a very bad idea.
How would you like to die?
You would like to die?
What is your motto?
You have a motto?
Thanks to
for being game and taking the time.
And of course merci Marcel.
 | A guest post by
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Funniest Q&A I’ve read in quite a while, with plenty of wisdom to boot. Thanks!
These two. The circumstances of now and the memes of social media hijacked my humour.
“What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
A terrible temptation towards seriousness, the result of a religious upbringing. It’s brutal, pointless and weak-minded.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lack of self-awareness.