This is touching. Having gone through this with Mother, I understand more than you know. As the youngest, and also the one that moved away, I had far less to do with her being moved from her home.
My 2 sisters dealt with it all. For the very reason of living away meant never having a regular conversation, is the reason I still felt guilty. I told my sisters, I did my time as a teenager and she was hateful and negative, plus I don’t have a place large enough. Meaning there is nowhere on earth I could have that would be far enough away .
I did visit maybe once a year, until it got to be too expensive because I just got out of a 20year marriage with little to show for it money wise.
She knew me when I first showed up. She promptly forgot me and was gone the whole time I was there.
I never saw her again and I can FEEL your pain about the tiny flicker of a possible relationship being snatched away.
I’m so sorry you have gone through this difficult process. It is so hard to know what to do.
But never ever feel guilty about making sure your father was safe..... your writing is quite good and you take your readers on a journey. You do it very well.
I can very much relate, only for me it's my mother. I don't think wondering whether you love him or not makes you a bad person or son or whatever else. It's just the truth and the truth is always a good thing. You should definitely write a screenplay about that relationship. The stories that come from the heart are always the best ones, at least that's what I think. <3
Working in care of the elderly and in Dementia care specifically, if it helps, I believe your father, and other like him spend much of their time in a place we can’t go. You see it in their faces, a vacancy, as if part of them is not there. I used to ask my mother when I saw her go away from me, like that, where she went. It’s almost the look you see when someone has lost and thought. it does not present as suffering or in any way unpleasant, but they can’t really tell you where they go. In my spiritual belief, I have come to understand that part of them probably does leave by bits and pieces hopefully to be united after death, The point is, they don’t suffer. They appear just to drift. I take heart in that. Often the emotions they have such a sadness or tearfulness, seem not to be related at all to the current moment or any moment. It seems to be just an expression of some type we can’t interpret. Feeling guilty over that may be misplaced on your part. You and or what you’re saying may have a very little to do with it if anything at all.
I hope this helps. Having care others around is always a plus and even though these facilities are not always wonderful they do offer the social aspect that all of us need.
Our experience with my Dad was nothing like this in the details, but the agony/guilt of decision-making and the day-in/day-out grief was brutal. All the best to you, and thank you for the courage to write it.
I cannot pretend to know how this feels, but your words help me sense the turmoil and guilt you feel. (And this sheds more light on your Seven Stages of Guilt post.) What I can say is that what you are doing is alright. A friend's mom is in the early stages of dementia. I meet her once a week and work on balance (and conversation) because she is 81 and quickly losing muscle mass (and mental capacity). And because her husband and daughter need a break. It's not much, but sometimes having me who is NOT family give her a few moments of my attention (because my patience is not worn thin or because--without "skin in the game"--I can't miss the "good" moments of the past as much--her bad days are less devastating for me to witness than for a family member, not because it's less devasting, but because I don't have the comparisons to her younger life, her younger self). So having your dad in a facility that can give him a clean, safe place to live, food to sustain his body, but also interactions to live with whatever clarity he is capable of having? It's a good thing. I hope you can befriend the "forgiveness" stage of guilt and accept that you are doing what you can do for him.
Thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment, now I have the hindsight of being six months later and I'm glad I put him in there. His state deteriorated further, but he is always surrounded with people, always fooling around.
Just found you here, Remy...found this beautiful tribute to your dad, this sweet heartache of losing him this way. I’m so impressed with your writing, sharing from depths of your soul. I see it is an old piece... may you be in peace now, life land gently fir you these days. 💜
I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say at this moment, but you have written a damn fine essay and you've done justice, by being honest and open, by your father and yourself, I might add. My heart also feels full whenever I hear men talk about their feelings because I don't think in our culture they're encouraged to do so. And fathers and sons, yeah, it's a complicated relationship. I don't think I've ever heard of one otherwise. Seriously. I'm glad you're writing it out. Thanks, Remy.
You could think of love as an act as much as a feeling. The anxiety you felt about his well-being reads to me as love. It might be different from your love for your mother but that’s ok. I hope this helps!
Hey Mike, he is better now. He is taken care of. This was from a while ago, but every time I call him I think of that admission that perhaps I didn't love him as much as I wanted.
Good to hear. Doesn't mean I can't care less, my friend. We need to support one another, right? Who knows? The future is not ours to see. I need to dream more. I was laughing about a scene in the pilot I'm working on and that made my week. It's the small things. I'm grateful we've met.
Thank you for sharing, your writing brought back memories of my dad who had dementia and died in 2019. It’s a cruel disease, yet there were some priceless unintended hilarious moments which bring me treasured memories. In the end it was a fatal, broken hip that led to pneumonia and difficult 9 weeks in hospital that led to his death, which happened two weeks after he returned to the care home. I lived over two hours away, so I understand the problems of distance.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is no easy way. I have a friend who saw her mom through to the end with dementia. They had a very loving relationship all along and it was hard and sad and often terrible. I'm going through this with my mom right now. Our relationship is not at all like the one my friend had with her mom and still it is hard and sad and often terrible. You do what you need to in order to feel you are behaving with compassion and fulfilling your responsibilities - whatever you decide those are. For me, it's is about coming to the end knowing I acted with integrity. Our relationship may not be great, but what we do for our parents, we're also doing for ourselves so that we can look back without regret. But you have to set limits so you can still show up for yourself and the other people in your life. You don't have to give more than you have to give. It sounds like he's in a good place and it's okay to let him be cared for by others. Take care of yourself.
This is touching. Having gone through this with Mother, I understand more than you know. As the youngest, and also the one that moved away, I had far less to do with her being moved from her home.
My 2 sisters dealt with it all. For the very reason of living away meant never having a regular conversation, is the reason I still felt guilty. I told my sisters, I did my time as a teenager and she was hateful and negative, plus I don’t have a place large enough. Meaning there is nowhere on earth I could have that would be far enough away .
I did visit maybe once a year, until it got to be too expensive because I just got out of a 20year marriage with little to show for it money wise.
She knew me when I first showed up. She promptly forgot me and was gone the whole time I was there.
I never saw her again and I can FEEL your pain about the tiny flicker of a possible relationship being snatched away.
I’m so sorry you have gone through this difficult process. It is so hard to know what to do.
But never ever feel guilty about making sure your father was safe..... your writing is quite good and you take your readers on a journey. You do it very well.
Thanks Pamela
I can very much relate, only for me it's my mother. I don't think wondering whether you love him or not makes you a bad person or son or whatever else. It's just the truth and the truth is always a good thing. You should definitely write a screenplay about that relationship. The stories that come from the heart are always the best ones, at least that's what I think. <3
You're right, I should.
Working in care of the elderly and in Dementia care specifically, if it helps, I believe your father, and other like him spend much of their time in a place we can’t go. You see it in their faces, a vacancy, as if part of them is not there. I used to ask my mother when I saw her go away from me, like that, where she went. It’s almost the look you see when someone has lost and thought. it does not present as suffering or in any way unpleasant, but they can’t really tell you where they go. In my spiritual belief, I have come to understand that part of them probably does leave by bits and pieces hopefully to be united after death, The point is, they don’t suffer. They appear just to drift. I take heart in that. Often the emotions they have such a sadness or tearfulness, seem not to be related at all to the current moment or any moment. It seems to be just an expression of some type we can’t interpret. Feeling guilty over that may be misplaced on your part. You and or what you’re saying may have a very little to do with it if anything at all.
I hope this helps. Having care others around is always a plus and even though these facilities are not always wonderful they do offer the social aspect that all of us need.
Our experience with my Dad was nothing like this in the details, but the agony/guilt of decision-making and the day-in/day-out grief was brutal. All the best to you, and thank you for the courage to write it.
Thx Lausanne, it feels nice to have shared experiences tbh
Definitely helps.
I cannot pretend to know how this feels, but your words help me sense the turmoil and guilt you feel. (And this sheds more light on your Seven Stages of Guilt post.) What I can say is that what you are doing is alright. A friend's mom is in the early stages of dementia. I meet her once a week and work on balance (and conversation) because she is 81 and quickly losing muscle mass (and mental capacity). And because her husband and daughter need a break. It's not much, but sometimes having me who is NOT family give her a few moments of my attention (because my patience is not worn thin or because--without "skin in the game"--I can't miss the "good" moments of the past as much--her bad days are less devastating for me to witness than for a family member, not because it's less devasting, but because I don't have the comparisons to her younger life, her younger self). So having your dad in a facility that can give him a clean, safe place to live, food to sustain his body, but also interactions to live with whatever clarity he is capable of having? It's a good thing. I hope you can befriend the "forgiveness" stage of guilt and accept that you are doing what you can do for him.
Thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment, now I have the hindsight of being six months later and I'm glad I put him in there. His state deteriorated further, but he is always surrounded with people, always fooling around.
You should definitely explore this idea in a movie. I think the relationships between fathers and sons sometimes feel mythic.
I was thinking about it a few years ago. Thanks for reading!
Just found you here, Remy...found this beautiful tribute to your dad, this sweet heartache of losing him this way. I’m so impressed with your writing, sharing from depths of your soul. I see it is an old piece... may you be in peace now, life land gently fir you these days. 💜
Thanks so much Joan 💙
Poignant. Exquisitely beautiful and painfully relatable. Thank you for sharing your heart in this way. Your words are tenderly validating.
Thanks Stephanie. 💙
I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say at this moment, but you have written a damn fine essay and you've done justice, by being honest and open, by your father and yourself, I might add. My heart also feels full whenever I hear men talk about their feelings because I don't think in our culture they're encouraged to do so. And fathers and sons, yeah, it's a complicated relationship. I don't think I've ever heard of one otherwise. Seriously. I'm glad you're writing it out. Thanks, Remy.
Thanks for reading. He is better now, so I'm more at peace somehow. 💙
You could think of love as an act as much as a feeling. The anxiety you felt about his well-being reads to me as love. It might be different from your love for your mother but that’s ok. I hope this helps!
It does, thanks for your comment.
Good lord my friend, I'm ... I don't know what to say. My heart is with you.
Hey Mike, he is better now. He is taken care of. This was from a while ago, but every time I call him I think of that admission that perhaps I didn't love him as much as I wanted.
Good to hear. Doesn't mean I can't care less, my friend. We need to support one another, right? Who knows? The future is not ours to see. I need to dream more. I was laughing about a scene in the pilot I'm working on and that made my week. It's the small things. I'm grateful we've met.
Same!
Sweet dreams demand the future
https://youtu.be/GpSuA2WLqqc?si=DTabh0EioQcLCKA9
MM
Thank you for sharing, your writing brought back memories of my dad who had dementia and died in 2019. It’s a cruel disease, yet there were some priceless unintended hilarious moments which bring me treasured memories. In the end it was a fatal, broken hip that led to pneumonia and difficult 9 weeks in hospital that led to his death, which happened two weeks after he returned to the care home. I lived over two hours away, so I understand the problems of distance.
Yes, the broken hip happened already, but he seems ok. He sort of cries when I call at the moment, but it's hard to say why. Thanks for your comment.
So hard, leaves us feeling unable to help.
I’m at the early stages of this with my father and your piece brought me peace. Shared humanity in the madness. Thank you 🙏🏽
You're welcome, I'm sorry about your dad. Mine is gone completely now :(
I too, have been through a similar situation . My heart goes out to you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is no easy way. I have a friend who saw her mom through to the end with dementia. They had a very loving relationship all along and it was hard and sad and often terrible. I'm going through this with my mom right now. Our relationship is not at all like the one my friend had with her mom and still it is hard and sad and often terrible. You do what you need to in order to feel you are behaving with compassion and fulfilling your responsibilities - whatever you decide those are. For me, it's is about coming to the end knowing I acted with integrity. Our relationship may not be great, but what we do for our parents, we're also doing for ourselves so that we can look back without regret. But you have to set limits so you can still show up for yourself and the other people in your life. You don't have to give more than you have to give. It sounds like he's in a good place and it's okay to let him be cared for by others. Take care of yourself.
Thanks Tara 'what we do for our parents, we're also doing for ourselves so that we can look back without regret' I like this a lot
My heart to you and yours.
💙