Definitely Not The Easiest Post I've Ever Written
This is touching. Having gone through this with Mother, I understand more than you know. As the youngest, and also the one that moved away, I had far less to do with her being moved from her home.
My 2 sisters dealt with it all. For the very reason of living away meant never having a regular conversation, is the reason I still felt guilty. I told my sisters, I did my time as a teenager and she was hateful and negative, plus I don’t have a place large enough. Meaning there is nowhere on earth I could have that would be far enough away .
I did visit maybe once a year, until it got to be too expensive because I just got out of a 20year marriage with little to show for it money wise.
She knew me when I first showed up. She promptly forgot me and was gone the whole time I was there.
I never saw her again and I can FEEL your pain about the tiny flicker of a possible relationship being snatched away.
I’m so sorry you have gone through this difficult process. It is so hard to know what to do.
But never ever feel guilty about making sure your father was safe..... your writing is quite good and you take your readers on a journey. You do it very well.
Our experience with my Dad was nothing like this in the details, but the agony/guilt of decision-making and the day-in/day-out grief was brutal. All the best to you, and thank you for the courage to write it.
Hauntingly beautiful (as Baudelaire might say). Beauty and death all together with no breaths between the words. I wrote a book about my relationship with my mother (who died during the pandemic) after suffering with dementia. I love the way you've captured this, even as I feel sorrow for your loss. So glad to find a male writer who cries. :-)
Brave piece. I am in a slightly different position, next of kin friend, both 80, known each other since age 19. She with no family never married, we have shared so much, holidays, theatre, Shakespeare and she has vascular dementia. My family are supporting me in caring for her. I can’t open up about it because it’s devastating, destroying, a daily burden. I found a bit of comfort in the happy unknowing state your father has reached. We are not there yet. Enjoy your family.
Brilliant piece. Highlights the fuckededness of family, of aging, of a finite lifespan on such a remarkably self-aware species.
Love the Alfa photo, some mischievous innocence in the look!
This is all very sad and frustrating especially being so far away and having such a complicated relationship with your father. I am dealing with aging parents and in-laws on two continents (US and France aussi) plus there is a separation somewhere in the equation. All very complicated and it will probably become even more so in the coming years. I’ve always said that maybe I’d write a book on dealing with two sets of aging parents from two cultures and so far apart. And then raising your own children. Maybe. That just seems like the romanticized version or gallows humor. I’m afraid though that the road ahead is eventually going to get really steep. Bell well. Soignez-vous. Faites ce que vous pouvez faire juste devant vous. Focus on the next best thing...and I’m telling myself this too!
A transformative piece. I lost my mother to dementia and this all gave me memory child. Much support to you.
Sir, I would say to you that as a person approaching 85-years (next year) that, if you have written in all honesty, there is really very little else you can do. Your children are your primary concern at present and I am sure that your Father would understand if he were able. It must be very difficult for you but there is love in your message and concern for the welfare of Dad. I continually remind my children that whatever decisions they need to make on my behalf because of a similar situation will be okay with me. Needless to say I also remind them that I may not like their decisions by I trust them to make decisions for my betterment. It is and will continue to be difficult for you as you do not have easy access to your Father but in my humble opinion you have been doing the best that you can in your situation.