47 Comments

This is touching. Having gone through this with Mother, I understand more than you know. As the youngest, and also the one that moved away, I had far less to do with her being moved from her home.

My 2 sisters dealt with it all. For the very reason of living away meant never having a regular conversation, is the reason I still felt guilty. I told my sisters, I did my time as a teenager and she was hateful and negative, plus I don’t have a place large enough. Meaning there is nowhere on earth I could have that would be far enough away .

I did visit maybe once a year, until it got to be too expensive because I just got out of a 20year marriage with little to show for it money wise.

She knew me when I first showed up. She promptly forgot me and was gone the whole time I was there.

I never saw her again and I can FEEL your pain about the tiny flicker of a possible relationship being snatched away.

I’m so sorry you have gone through this difficult process. It is so hard to know what to do.

But never ever feel guilty about making sure your father was safe..... your writing is quite good and you take your readers on a journey. You do it very well.

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Thanks Pamela

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I can very much relate, only for me it's my mother. I don't think wondering whether you love him or not makes you a bad person or son or whatever else. It's just the truth and the truth is always a good thing. You should definitely write a screenplay about that relationship. The stories that come from the heart are always the best ones, at least that's what I think. <3

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You're right, I should.

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Working in care of the elderly and in Dementia care specifically, if it helps, I believe your father, and other like him spend much of their time in a place we can’t go. You see it in their faces, a vacancy, as if part of them is not there. I used to ask my mother when I saw her go away from me, like that, where she went. It’s almost the look you see when someone has lost and thought. it does not present as suffering or in any way unpleasant, but they can’t really tell you where they go. In my spiritual belief, I have come to understand that part of them probably does leave by bits and pieces hopefully to be united after death, The point is, they don’t suffer. They appear just to drift. I take heart in that. Often the emotions they have such a sadness or tearfulness, seem not to be related at all to the current moment or any moment. It seems to be just an expression of some type we can’t interpret. Feeling guilty over that may be misplaced on your part. You and or what you’re saying may have a very little to do with it if anything at all.

I hope this helps. Having care others around is always a plus and even though these facilities are not always wonderful they do offer the social aspect that all of us need.

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Our experience with my Dad was nothing like this in the details, but the agony/guilt of decision-making and the day-in/day-out grief was brutal. All the best to you, and thank you for the courage to write it.

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Thx Lausanne, it feels nice to have shared experiences tbh

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Just found you here, Remy...found this beautiful tribute to your dad, this sweet heartache of losing him this way. I’m so impressed with your writing, sharing from depths of your soul. I see it is an old piece... may you be in peace now, life land gently fir you these days. 💜

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Thanks so much Joan 💙

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Poignant. Exquisitely beautiful and painfully relatable. Thank you for sharing your heart in this way. Your words are tenderly validating.

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Thanks Stephanie. 💙

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Mar 2Liked by Remy Bazerque

I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say at this moment, but you have written a damn fine essay and you've done justice, by being honest and open, by your father and yourself, I might add. My heart also feels full whenever I hear men talk about their feelings because I don't think in our culture they're encouraged to do so. And fathers and sons, yeah, it's a complicated relationship. I don't think I've ever heard of one otherwise. Seriously. I'm glad you're writing it out. Thanks, Remy.

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Thanks for reading. He is better now, so I'm more at peace somehow. 💙

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You could think of love as an act as much as a feeling. The anxiety you felt about his well-being reads to me as love. It might be different from your love for your mother but that’s ok. I hope this helps!

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It does, thanks for your comment.

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Good lord my friend, I'm ... I don't know what to say. My heart is with you.

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Hey Mike, he is better now. He is taken care of. This was from a while ago, but every time I call him I think of that admission that perhaps I didn't love him as much as I wanted.

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Good to hear. Doesn't mean I can't care less, my friend. We need to support one another, right? Who knows? The future is not ours to see. I need to dream more. I was laughing about a scene in the pilot I'm working on and that made my week. It's the small things. I'm grateful we've met.

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Thank you for sharing, your writing brought back memories of my dad who had dementia and died in 2019. It’s a cruel disease, yet there were some priceless unintended hilarious moments which bring me treasured memories. In the end it was a fatal, broken hip that led to pneumonia and difficult 9 weeks in hospital that led to his death, which happened two weeks after he returned to the care home. I lived over two hours away, so I understand the problems of distance.

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Yes, the broken hip happened already, but he seems ok. He sort of cries when I call at the moment, but it's hard to say why. Thanks for your comment.

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So hard, leaves us feeling unable to help.

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I’m at the early stages of this with my father and your piece brought me peace. Shared humanity in the madness. Thank you 🙏🏽

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You're welcome, I'm sorry about your dad. Mine is gone completely now :(

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I too, have been through a similar situation . My heart goes out to you.

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Dec 24, 2023Liked by Remy Bazerque

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is no easy way. I have a friend who saw her mom through to the end with dementia. They had a very loving relationship all along and it was hard and sad and often terrible. I'm going through this with my mom right now. Our relationship is not at all like the one my friend had with her mom and still it is hard and sad and often terrible. You do what you need to in order to feel you are behaving with compassion and fulfilling your responsibilities - whatever you decide those are. For me, it's is about coming to the end knowing I acted with integrity. Our relationship may not be great, but what we do for our parents, we're also doing for ourselves so that we can look back without regret. But you have to set limits so you can still show up for yourself and the other people in your life. You don't have to give more than you have to give. It sounds like he's in a good place and it's okay to let him be cared for by others. Take care of yourself.

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Thanks Tara 'what we do for our parents, we're also doing for ourselves so that we can look back without regret' I like this a lot

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My heart to you and yours.

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💙

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Hauntingly beautiful (as Baudelaire might say). Beauty and death all together with no breaths between the words. I wrote a book about my relationship with my mother (who died during the pandemic) after suffering with dementia. I love the way you've captured this, even as I feel sorrow for your loss. So glad to find a male writer who cries. :-)

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Thx Jane.

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Nov 29, 2023Liked by Remy Bazerque

Brave piece. I am in a slightly different position, next of kin friend, both 80, known each other since age 19. She with no family never married, we have shared so much, holidays, theatre, Shakespeare and she has vascular dementia. My family are supporting me in caring for her. I can’t open up about it because it’s devastating, destroying, a daily burden. I found a bit of comfort in the happy unknowing state your father has reached. We are not there yet. Enjoy your family.

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I understand very well. Thanks for reading.

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