Have been thinking a lot about this lately — how we tell kids everything they do is beautiful and congratulate them for everything. I’ve decided i’m no longer doing that. Instead of saying “you sang incredibly” i will say, “you have the voice, you need the technique. Let’s take lessons.” If and only if the kid actually has a voice. Everyone has different talents and if you get stuck in one you’re bad at cause the adults were too scared to help you find an alternative, then it’s a disservice.
So thanks for putting this into words. Loved your writing. (Actually though)
We did private lessons with the almost 9 yr old until last year. Drum lessons- metal drumming, on a kit since he was 5. He was bad, until he got better, and only then did we do lessons. Last year, ADD was clear and he hated music theory. On a permanent break from lessons. Thankfully, no recitals.
He still drums, but he’s too immature to face music theory, even though he understands it: he still wants to just pound on them. And he’s good! He drums along to songs like Pink Floyd, slip knot, Metallica, clutch, etc. is it perfect? No. Tempo issues? Yes. Dies it sound ok? Yes.
But you follow the interests. We won’t let him off the hook for drumming, there’s talent there, perhaps he will mature soon. Probably his teen years will be a good time. Until then, we’ve added Muay Thai. He’s really digging that.
Remy, just roll with it, but don’t sugarcoat everything, slip that in ad she get older. Positive critiques that don’t inflate their sense of actual ability work. As she gets older, it gets easier to tell the reality of it. Promise. Also, let her lead on the interests, and invest in them if it seems serious enough. It gives them confidence and it’s good for development. But recitals-yuck.
I think you’re missing a golden moment. This is the opportunity to tell your children, and the teacher, exactly why you won’t be going next time. Explain that you have standards, expectations which aren’t being met. As a gut punch, give them examples from your own musical journey — where your first solo vibrated rafters, caused migrating geese to change course, raised the music-loving dead from the grave. Or, I guess, you could do exactly as you have…lie, sigh, cleanse your pallet afterward, and continue extending grace for little fingers.
If you do the first thing, let me know if you need a place to stay.
Who's going to take care of you when you're old? At least music is a universal language, and your little girl hasn't asked you sit through a ballet recital yet - you'll poke your eyeballs out...
I showed up for my son's life because my father didn't show up for mine and I didn't like how that felt. I'm glad I showed up. My son is grown now. The massive emotional swings of raising a child have evened out. I believe that if we are the type of parents who care deeply about our children, then we experience their emotions. You were feeling the wild dislocation that your daughter was feeling, being a child on a stage in a weird ritual of music recital. Life is a storm, and the winds blow us here and there.
I think, Remy, it is our job to protect the innocence of our children. I admire what you did. The thingy that bothers me is "everybody gets a pony" prize for kids. We should, I think, especially as they get older, allow them to recognize that excellence does sometimes get rewarded. What do you think about that? I want to add that I loved this post. I can see your daughter with her baby violin. When my son was playing saxophone in a junior high school band, we had to control our laughter because all of it was anything but music and, yep, we parents applauded wildly--but at his age, he knew how awful it was and we laughed our way home in the car. This parenting stuff--harder than any of us thought.
This is lovely and hilarious (put a pep in my step this morning.) I don't have kids yet but, I am an experimental musician and the same concert experience outlined here can be applied to grown ass adults as well.
Parents want their children’s approval just as much as children want their parents’. Each generation only appreciates the one before it when it’s too late to tell them so. Your kids will quickly learn when you’re lying, so don’t be an arse. Do you know any artist who can take being told they’re rubbish? Encourage them, and they might improve; shred their confidence, and they could turn into politicians.
Hilarious. And as a teacher who has had to direct students for end of the year performances and plays, let me say, it's just as painful for us...maybe even more so since we're trying to herd these animals towards some sort of direction.
Ha! Did any beginner ever get a good sound out of a violin, though?! The junior strings section of my daughters’ music centre concerts was the bit I most dreaded. But by the time they were playing in the youth orchestra, the standard was phenomenal.
Fast forward 20 years and the local music centre service is no more and children now are lucky if they have access to instrumental tuition. So be grateful for what you have, I guess!
And sometimes, when they have great talent and you try to 'help', the chances of spoiling their 'success' are almost guaranteed. If we don't let them just play now, when? They'll take good revenge as teenagers: think of electric guitars, drums or death metal growls.
A couple of days ago 6 yr old grandson was told to come to school and tell the class “what he wanted to be when he grew up” and dress accordingly. I felt your same emotions.
Laughed all the way through. Just wait. It gets much worse.
Perfect.
Great piece. “There’s a peculiar comfort in the discordant notes of childhood. A place where innocence doesn’t yet know the sting of truth.”
Thanks David.
I love this.
Have been thinking a lot about this lately — how we tell kids everything they do is beautiful and congratulate them for everything. I’ve decided i’m no longer doing that. Instead of saying “you sang incredibly” i will say, “you have the voice, you need the technique. Let’s take lessons.” If and only if the kid actually has a voice. Everyone has different talents and if you get stuck in one you’re bad at cause the adults were too scared to help you find an alternative, then it’s a disservice.
So thanks for putting this into words. Loved your writing. (Actually though)
We did private lessons with the almost 9 yr old until last year. Drum lessons- metal drumming, on a kit since he was 5. He was bad, until he got better, and only then did we do lessons. Last year, ADD was clear and he hated music theory. On a permanent break from lessons. Thankfully, no recitals.
He still drums, but he’s too immature to face music theory, even though he understands it: he still wants to just pound on them. And he’s good! He drums along to songs like Pink Floyd, slip knot, Metallica, clutch, etc. is it perfect? No. Tempo issues? Yes. Dies it sound ok? Yes.
But you follow the interests. We won’t let him off the hook for drumming, there’s talent there, perhaps he will mature soon. Probably his teen years will be a good time. Until then, we’ve added Muay Thai. He’s really digging that.
Remy, just roll with it, but don’t sugarcoat everything, slip that in ad she get older. Positive critiques that don’t inflate their sense of actual ability work. As she gets older, it gets easier to tell the reality of it. Promise. Also, let her lead on the interests, and invest in them if it seems serious enough. It gives them confidence and it’s good for development. But recitals-yuck.
Thank you Josefina.
I think you’re missing a golden moment. This is the opportunity to tell your children, and the teacher, exactly why you won’t be going next time. Explain that you have standards, expectations which aren’t being met. As a gut punch, give them examples from your own musical journey — where your first solo vibrated rafters, caused migrating geese to change course, raised the music-loving dead from the grave. Or, I guess, you could do exactly as you have…lie, sigh, cleanse your pallet afterward, and continue extending grace for little fingers.
If you do the first thing, let me know if you need a place to stay.
lol
😂
Who's going to take care of you when you're old? At least music is a universal language, and your little girl hasn't asked you sit through a ballet recital yet - you'll poke your eyeballs out...
🤣
I showed up for my son's life because my father didn't show up for mine and I didn't like how that felt. I'm glad I showed up. My son is grown now. The massive emotional swings of raising a child have evened out. I believe that if we are the type of parents who care deeply about our children, then we experience their emotions. You were feeling the wild dislocation that your daughter was feeling, being a child on a stage in a weird ritual of music recital. Life is a storm, and the winds blow us here and there.
I think, Remy, it is our job to protect the innocence of our children. I admire what you did. The thingy that bothers me is "everybody gets a pony" prize for kids. We should, I think, especially as they get older, allow them to recognize that excellence does sometimes get rewarded. What do you think about that? I want to add that I loved this post. I can see your daughter with her baby violin. When my son was playing saxophone in a junior high school band, we had to control our laughter because all of it was anything but music and, yep, we parents applauded wildly--but at his age, he knew how awful it was and we laughed our way home in the car. This parenting stuff--harder than any of us thought.
This is lovely and hilarious (put a pep in my step this morning.) I don't have kids yet but, I am an experimental musician and the same concert experience outlined here can be applied to grown ass adults as well.
The parental dilemma. Wonderful read, and one of the best titles all year
Thanks DeeDee.
Parents want their children’s approval just as much as children want their parents’. Each generation only appreciates the one before it when it’s too late to tell them so. Your kids will quickly learn when you’re lying, so don’t be an arse. Do you know any artist who can take being told they’re rubbish? Encourage them, and they might improve; shred their confidence, and they could turn into politicians.
To not be an arse is an arduous task. I'm trying Peter.
Although politicians don't strike me for lacking confidence, see Liz Truss.
Hilarious. And as a teacher who has had to direct students for end of the year performances and plays, let me say, it's just as painful for us...maybe even more so since we're trying to herd these animals towards some sort of direction.
Do you still feel dirty?
Parenting is a tango of truth and charity.
I felt all the emotions in this one. It's a confusing world!
Ha! Did any beginner ever get a good sound out of a violin, though?! The junior strings section of my daughters’ music centre concerts was the bit I most dreaded. But by the time they were playing in the youth orchestra, the standard was phenomenal.
Fast forward 20 years and the local music centre service is no more and children now are lucky if they have access to instrumental tuition. So be grateful for what you have, I guess!
And sometimes, when they have great talent and you try to 'help', the chances of spoiling their 'success' are almost guaranteed. If we don't let them just play now, when? They'll take good revenge as teenagers: think of electric guitars, drums or death metal growls.
A couple of days ago 6 yr old grandson was told to come to school and tell the class “what he wanted to be when he grew up” and dress accordingly. I felt your same emotions.