Thank you for the belly laughs! When things I've planned go "wrong" or I find myself in an absurd situation, I too find solace in the thought that this will make a good story. Life, being what it is, offers us a unlimited supply despite our best efforts.
Years ago, back in the early 90s, I suffered from a whiplash injury, and somebody in Las Vegas, where I lived at the time, recommended a Korean spa and massage. So I went, and I was not given a massage that day because the masseuse said I needed to be cleaned. I was laid on a table —nude, and the masseuse, who looked like a female sumo wrestler, stripped down to her panties and bra. Not a pleasant sight. Anyway, she proceeded to take a hose and spray me down, like you said, a car. Then she took a rough sponge and lava soap and scrubbed my body. The whole time, she was cursing to herself that I hadn’t taken care of removing the dead skin from my body. She told me before I could have a massage, I had to get rid of the dead skin so my whole body could breathe. When I finished and walked out into the hot desert afternoon, I felt much refreshed.
I did go back many times because her massages were unbelievable, especially her reflexology, which helped my whiplash injury. The bath was bizarre, but I allowed her to do it at least once a month. Men were not allowed in her place except by special appointments. She didn’t like men in general.
I’ve never had the pleasure of a foamy massage nor a covid like mask on my groin, but I have had the pleasure of reading a story about this guy named Remy and his patient wife. Again, bravo! You are a master of pacing and staging! I have to believe it’s connected to your experiences making films. I noticed that all (I think...) of the potential dialogue is reported indirectly--your wife told the kimono clad ladies this or that, the repair man has no lines, etc. anyway I can’t remember seeing any quotation marks. Do you have any posts you can point me towards that have dialogue? I’d love to see what you do to integrate speaking into your very effective sensual narratives.
"Which is romantic in its own way." Well, I think that idea is bright.
I agree, we're always idealizing things.
Yours could be a light and bizarre science fiction short story, you kept me on the edge of my seat, it was very funny, the whole situation, and I like how you concluded: We should learn to enjoy what we have, in the moment we have it, and we can experience it with those we love.
There were so many moments in this that I enjoyed, but this one made me laugh out loud, "I stood with aplomb in my wiry, wet panties and attempted small talk while foam dripped down my chest. My masseuse did not understand me—worse, she seemed eager for me to fuck off from the hammam." Thank you for this!
Great fun, good to be able to laugh at life together. Do hope your wife gets her military on though and asks for a refund or some sort of compensation!
Reading this comes at the heels of my own spa experience during my honeymoon in Ecuador last month, where, perhaps boringly, everything went exactly to plan. It was wonderful- I loved it. But I must say, I think you do have a point about life's unromantic motif and and how when things go utterly wrong, things tend to sear more deeply into our memory banks. Will I remember my honeymoon spa experience? Absolutely. Would I remember it more if I was caught with my pants down exposing my casper-like loins? You betcha.
This is comedic gold! I could picture the scene so vividly while reading it that now I'm worried I may have seen you and your wife naked without even knowing either of you! The meeting with the repairman was probably something you'll remember for years to come as will the coconut :) Can't think of anything that rivals this perfect romantic outing, but I did went to a hamman in Marrakech (luckily all worked to perfection) and felt ridiculous wearing a piece of paper as underwear in an environment where buckets of water were literally being thrown at me, making that item useless after five minutes.
Hilarious, and sincerely sweet in regards to your loving and patient wife. I really liked this: “I suppose that everything is a bit like this, whether it's loving, parenting, or writing. We always idealise things, and when our expectations aren’t met, it makes us miserable. But if we learn to recognise that life has this distinct, unromantic quality, which in itself is romantic in its own way, I think everything becomes so much more enjoyable.”
I can’t remember a bad romantic experience at the moment, though I’m sure there are some. I did go to a hammam in a Riad in Morocco, it was the strangest thing having another person scrub me down head to foot like I was a helpless baby. Thank you for sharing about your spa experience, and I’m glad you have a wonderful partner in crime for all of life’s hijinks!
Don’t ask why, but I’ve been to a chocolate massage at a Spa. I refused to change my underwear for the “paper thong”, so the masseur had to work around it. I didn’t think I’d eat chocolate after it. That was a weird experience. But I’m over it now, and happily back to my chocolate addiction!😅🍫
It was pretty runny. The chocolate liquid. The masseur wrapped me in plastic and warm blankets after the massage. I had to lay in this chocolate-bar-like-state for 20 minutes.😅 Definitely not sexy. 🤦♀️
And a shower afterward. It was good for the skin, though.😌
Thank you for the belly laughs! When things I've planned go "wrong" or I find myself in an absurd situation, I too find solace in the thought that this will make a good story. Life, being what it is, offers us a unlimited supply despite our best efforts.
Oh yeah, I was salivating about substack already
Years ago, back in the early 90s, I suffered from a whiplash injury, and somebody in Las Vegas, where I lived at the time, recommended a Korean spa and massage. So I went, and I was not given a massage that day because the masseuse said I needed to be cleaned. I was laid on a table —nude, and the masseuse, who looked like a female sumo wrestler, stripped down to her panties and bra. Not a pleasant sight. Anyway, she proceeded to take a hose and spray me down, like you said, a car. Then she took a rough sponge and lava soap and scrubbed my body. The whole time, she was cursing to herself that I hadn’t taken care of removing the dead skin from my body. She told me before I could have a massage, I had to get rid of the dead skin so my whole body could breathe. When I finished and walked out into the hot desert afternoon, I felt much refreshed.
I did go back many times because her massages were unbelievable, especially her reflexology, which helped my whiplash injury. The bath was bizarre, but I allowed her to do it at least once a month. Men were not allowed in her place except by special appointments. She didn’t like men in general.
'I was laid on a table —nude, and the masseuse, who looked like a female sumo wrestler, stripped down to her panties and bra. '
I think I would have run at that moment, or froze
@patti
https://remybazerque.substack.com/p/our-spa-day-fiasco/comment/46723787?r=2sxc6r&utm_medium=ios
I’ve never had the pleasure of a foamy massage nor a covid like mask on my groin, but I have had the pleasure of reading a story about this guy named Remy and his patient wife. Again, bravo! You are a master of pacing and staging! I have to believe it’s connected to your experiences making films. I noticed that all (I think...) of the potential dialogue is reported indirectly--your wife told the kimono clad ladies this or that, the repair man has no lines, etc. anyway I can’t remember seeing any quotation marks. Do you have any posts you can point me towards that have dialogue? I’d love to see what you do to integrate speaking into your very effective sensual narratives.
I'll post one of my TV scripts soon--it's the opposite, very dialogue heavy
I’ll watch for it. Thanks. I really enjoy your work.
🙌
"Which is romantic in its own way." Well, I think that idea is bright.
I agree, we're always idealizing things.
Yours could be a light and bizarre science fiction short story, you kept me on the edge of my seat, it was very funny, the whole situation, and I like how you concluded: We should learn to enjoy what we have, in the moment we have it, and we can experience it with those we love.
Cheers Michael 🙌
Welcome Remy ;-)
There were so many moments in this that I enjoyed, but this one made me laugh out loud, "I stood with aplomb in my wiry, wet panties and attempted small talk while foam dripped down my chest. My masseuse did not understand me—worse, she seemed eager for me to fuck off from the hammam." Thank you for this!
💙
Great fun, good to be able to laugh at life together. Do hope your wife gets her military on though and asks for a refund or some sort of compensation!
You are just brilliant at turning a phrase. Utterly hilarious on both wordsmith and plot-point levels.
💙
Funny since I used to call Covid masks (just after we first started wearing them in 2020) "face panties" LOL.
I think they are recycling them this way
Hysterical
🙌
Oh my god, I love this story. It is so true the things that don’t go according to plan make the best memories! Thank you for sharing, Remy.
You’re welcome Holly 🤝
Reading this comes at the heels of my own spa experience during my honeymoon in Ecuador last month, where, perhaps boringly, everything went exactly to plan. It was wonderful- I loved it. But I must say, I think you do have a point about life's unromantic motif and and how when things go utterly wrong, things tend to sear more deeply into our memory banks. Will I remember my honeymoon spa experience? Absolutely. Would I remember it more if I was caught with my pants down exposing my casper-like loins? You betcha.
This is comedic gold! I could picture the scene so vividly while reading it that now I'm worried I may have seen you and your wife naked without even knowing either of you! The meeting with the repairman was probably something you'll remember for years to come as will the coconut :) Can't think of anything that rivals this perfect romantic outing, but I did went to a hamman in Marrakech (luckily all worked to perfection) and felt ridiculous wearing a piece of paper as underwear in an environment where buckets of water were literally being thrown at me, making that item useless after five minutes.
It was definitely a bonding experience
Hilarious, and sincerely sweet in regards to your loving and patient wife. I really liked this: “I suppose that everything is a bit like this, whether it's loving, parenting, or writing. We always idealise things, and when our expectations aren’t met, it makes us miserable. But if we learn to recognise that life has this distinct, unromantic quality, which in itself is romantic in its own way, I think everything becomes so much more enjoyable.”
I can’t remember a bad romantic experience at the moment, though I’m sure there are some. I did go to a hammam in a Riad in Morocco, it was the strangest thing having another person scrub me down head to foot like I was a helpless baby. Thank you for sharing about your spa experience, and I’m glad you have a wonderful partner in crime for all of life’s hijinks!
Thanks Jenn
Don’t ask why, but I’ve been to a chocolate massage at a Spa. I refused to change my underwear for the “paper thong”, so the masseur had to work around it. I didn’t think I’d eat chocolate after it. That was a weird experience. But I’m over it now, and happily back to my chocolate addiction!😅🍫
Did they let the chocolate dry up? Did you break free of a chocolate envelope?
It was pretty runny. The chocolate liquid. The masseur wrapped me in plastic and warm blankets after the massage. I had to lay in this chocolate-bar-like-state for 20 minutes.😅 Definitely not sexy. 🤦♀️
And a shower afterward. It was good for the skin, though.😌
I knew this would be good when I saw the words abject and luxury put together!
😂
Exactly. Dismissive and unenthusiastic. The worst kind
Lol you should write an article about that smack