The Thin Line Between Perseverance and Clenching

Why I don't always enjoy writing

For some reason, likely due to my tendency to over-analyze, I often reflect on the fine line between perseverance, strength of will, and sheer unproductive clenching in any human endeavor. This is not just true for my writing projects but extends to love stories, ideals, career…

Perseverance

This reflection is particularly relevant in our societies, where the idea of doggedness, of not giving up, is praised. People like to describe themselves as stubborn, resilient: they will never let go of something when they set their minds to it. Literature around this abounds, just like the many gurus and motivational coaches. Never give up! If you want it, everything is possible!

Well, I posit that this is the wrong approach because it leads to clenching—not just local clenching, when a project blocks, but ideal clenching, when an entire side of someone’s life blocks or regresses.

It’s easy to get so absorbed into one thing that we forget a sidestep is possible. I, for instance, see many authors smash themselves against the wall of rejection from the publishing world and get destroyed by it, instead of taking a sidestep and self-publishing. From their perspective, it probably seems like they have no other options, but for an outsider to their industry, it’s difficult to understand. Especially these days.

But often, it’s hard to notice the clenching when it’s there as it sets in slowly.

My Example

To illustrate the pitfalls of this mindset, let me share my own experience where perseverance blurred into clenching. A couple of years ago, way before I started on Substack, I set myself to write an easy-to-read novel in the sci-fi/fantasy genre, and self-publish it under a pseudonym.

This project was designed as the ‘relaxed’ one amongst all my project, something anonymous, an experiment for fun, something I didn’t put pressure on myself about. But of course, try to get rid of the natural and it comes back running… It’s now been two years, I’ve gone through an incalculable number of structures and rewrites. I wrote two full manuscripts and always wanted to rewrite them from scratch the minute I finished.

Right now, I feel like I’m at a crossroads with that project, teetering on the edge between perseverance and clenching. My wife says that I should just publish it and be done with it, while I just keep going out of sheer perfectionism and a matter of principle, slowly suffocating all my joy of it.

Clenching

This ongoing struggle with my novel serves as a clear example of what I define as 'clenching'—a state where persistence ceases to be productive. I don’t mean clenching as in whether I should drop the entire project. I mean more that my relationship to it is not sane currently. It’s not constructive anymore; my ego is far too involved.

This state of things leads to a more strained writing process and therefore to a more conflicted stream of inspiration, and things can quickly unravel from there. Sadly, at the moment, I’m rather at a block on this specific project, but that’s really a question for another post.

But is there a way to control it? I mean, the ability to clench and let go, the positioning on the chessboard of inspiration? Is there a way to create the conditions where inspiration can flow unrestrained again, like the thoughts of a child? Perhaps thinking about it is the first of the steps not to take, as it’s a controlling approach. Then what? Sit back and contemplate the clouds fly by while waiting for inspiration? That’s also way too dangerous a behavior and often leads to regretted years.

“Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.” — Pablo Picasso

How I wish I had the answer. This reminds me of some moments of pure bliss in my past where the moons aligned and somehow a project got blessed with that perfect blend of letting go, amusement, intensity, and everything got together nicely.

I’m convinced that the answer is not in a complete let go, as when I tried this, it led to more negative feelings than good. Maybe I have some kind of workaholism, because if I don’t write every day, I feel unwell. It’s like a weird need, mixed with slight addiction. When it’s absent, it feels as though meaning itself has escaped the hours... But when I’m reaching clenching-point on a project, those hours spent writing are not enjoyable anymore.

I don’t always enjoy writing

There I said it. Writing is not 100% always enjoyable to me. Last I mentioned something like that in a note, I got some surprised comments, as if it was a given that because it’s fiction and therefore a passion, it should be enjoyed at all times.

Well, I for once will be honest when I say that while I enjoy it most of the time, there is a minority of the time where I utterly loathe writing, my computer, the keyboard, the words. It’s in these clenching moments when I feel it’s not inspiration I lack per se, but the open, airy amusement required for good writing.

The right balance

So how can one deal with striking this balance? My main approach is to try to have many projects and simply let go of one for a bit. This usually works fine, but there are, I would say, turbulent periods where the clenching becomes like a mini writing burnout and where nothing good can come out of my brain.

In such case, I’m not sure what to do. I’m left with two poor options: first to not write for a bit and let it go which makes me feel bad. The second to write despite the clenching and loathing, simply turning up for the day like I would at any job. I often prefer the second option, as it keeps me in a rhythm, but really I’m struggling to see another option right now.

As a side note and before anyone leaves me a comment telling me to stop being so self absorbed, or to go volunteer my time at some charity: I’d like to point that I’m quite an obsessive person, I take treatment to handle it and see a psychiatrist to get better. So, perhaps, I hope, the process is not as tormented for other writers—in fact, I’d love to know how it’s like for you.

As if it was the first time

So, how to reconcile getting up every day to write with never clenching? This is the question and I wish I fully had the answer.

I believe that’s why I decided to share this essay: more often than not, sharing here helps unblock things in the engine room of my brain, so hopefully, that continues.

To be fair, I think that despite the appearance, being aware of things is always a good thing. It’s great to be a somnambulist walking a tightrope for the first time and experiencing bliss, but if you do it every single day of your life, at some point you think about the rope, you think that you’re thinking about the rope, etc.

When I was an actor, this was crucially important by the way. The best actors weren’t the guys with the most fascinating personalities or brilliance. They were the guys who could unplug their brain and rediscover things as if it was the very first time.

Well, I’d like to rediscover writing every day, as if it was my very first time. I want to learn to walk the tightrope while thinking about the rope, and without it leading to a painful fall. And most importantly, I want to learn to identify and cut short any clenching and free myself from the taxing idea of misplaced perseverance.

In the meantime, I will keep turning up at the writing table, no matter what—perhaps a minor victory in itself, and focus on sheltering away the thought that writing should always be enjoyed. I will also of course keep seeking help with a mental health professional to strike the right balance in my obsessive compulsiveness and see where that leads.

A therapeutic process

It’s curious how my journey in blogging has become a gateway to revealing who I am. Those of you reading these lines might now understand me better than some people I’ve known for years. Yet, each time I'm about to publish a personal piece like this, I am struck by a peculiar thrill—a mix of fear and exhilaration.

To me, the act of creating is fundamentally an inside-out process, a method to confront and manage my tendency to shut out reality. When I write a film script or a blog post, I choose a personal challenge—a weakness, an anxiety—and use it as the core theme to navigate and hopefully, to cathartize throughout the narrative. Each article becomes a small battle against the enormity of my self-absorption, a step towards not losing myself completely.

Sharing these personal insights does not come easily; it feels exposing, leaving me vulnerable. Yet, this exposure is therapeutic, part of my ongoing struggle with issues like clenching. Currently, I recognize the clenching in my latest project, where I often find myself spinning my wheels rather than making progress.

By opening up about these genuine anxieties, I hope to not only alleviate them but also to encourage you, the reader, to reflect on your own creative or personal challenges.

How do you handle the pressures of your passions? Does sharing your struggles in any form help you move forward?

Remy x

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