Are We Humans Prime Galactic Real Estate?
What would aliens truly think?
I used to like ‘90s cheesy films where aliens turn up and invade Earth, but the USA fights back! I need to re-watch these films, like ‘Independence Day’, and ‘War of the Worlds’! As a very young Frenchman, it blew me away to see the US president flying an actual fighter jet and saving the world!
In France, we have presidents who look more like the image below, so you’ll appreciate why that left such an impression on me.
The point of this essay is not, however, to compare our leaders’ charisma or even our respective nations abilities to defend the world against alien invasions, as as we all know, France has got our backs.
No, the point is to discuss what would actually happen if the aliens found us.
I think it’s fair to say that if they found us before we did, they would probably be more advanced. Since we seem to be on the whole advancing as a society (no bubonic plague, no impalements etc.) It’s therefore likely that our alien guests would also turn up with a more advanced society than ours. They would be generous and empathetic beings and not intent on nuking us straight off the bat. Their first step, instead, might be to examine us.
It’s probable that the leader of a space-faring, enlightened alien race would have a busy schedule, so they would want a quick summary of us... Let’s imagine how it would look.
OK, let’s not delve into politics or religion too much, firstly because that’s not my thing, and also because I know little about these topics and unlike 99.9999% of human beings, I prefer to keep my uninformed opinions to myself.
However, as I’m a visual person, I must still show you this:
And this:
Let’s be honest: do you think they’ll be impressed? I don’t think so either. Based on this forensic evidence—and considering this is my essay—I will categorize the entire politics and religion category as: ‘aliens not impressed.’ and move on to something much closer to my heart: our exceptional art and culture.
If I were an alien overlord (How I wish), I would think that what distinguishes a society is what it actually consumes. So I’d avoid awards and self congratulatory nonsense. I would want to see what people live and breath, what is their mental oxygen, their poetry…
Most consumed human video content:
As a father, I have—like all parents—contributed my fair share of views to the combined 20.63 billion views of ‘Baby Shark’ and ‘Johny Johny Yes Papa’, so I’m let’s say, familiar with the songs… But I did not know ‘Despacito.’
Here is a translated quote from the piece, for your appreciation.
If I ask for a kiss come give it to me
I know that you’re thinking about it
I’ve been trying to do it for awhile
Mami, this is giving and giving it to you
You know that with me your heart goes bom bom
You know that from me that babe is looking for a bom bom
The sandwiching of ‘Despacito’ between the two kids’ videos might perplex the aliens’ intellect, as human videos would appear to be made solely for entertaining children or encouraging procreation.
They might, however, still want to give us the benefit of the doubt.
Most listened to human music:
Taste is subjective, of course, and music is for all moods. I respect this type of music; I suppose. Especially when I go to the mall, where it duly belongs.
But the most streamed tunes ever...
Do people really come home after a long day at work, harrowed, put the kids to sleep, dim down the lights in their living room, grab a beer, put on their headphones… close their eyes and listen to ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran? I guess they do.
And then we wonder why polar bears are drowning. Personally, hearing this type of music makes me want to go finish off the bears with a shotgun, but I’m not an alien and only their opinions matter today.
Let’s put it as a likelihood, however, that they might wonder how, in all of its miserable existence, our civilization hasn't found three better tunes to binge onto.
“But we have amazing music, dear aliens, for real! Just look further down, look at the top 10! oh…”
Culture: aliens not impressed.
Most followed person on most popular social media (Facebook):
I included four, because people on Facebook following Facebook is just too meta to count. So Cristiano Ronaldo… Our number one most followed human being. Just look at him. No, really look at him. I’m serious.
Honestly, even as an alien lord, looking at this guy, I’d be like... Damn… That’s impressive… Goddamn you, Cristiano! That body looks like… I don’t know, mineral or something. Tell me you don’t think about your neglected gym membership when you stare at this guy. I left Sid Lowe in the left corner because he looks exactly the way all normal men would when looking at this picture.
Cristiano also looks a bit like he is about to explode, doesn’t he? So aliens might be wary. They might think that this guy could be a secret weapon... ‘Look, there are entire stadiums of adoring human beings who came to see his body, and he looks so different from the rest of them all…’
Samsung, ok, whatever... Mr Bean? I do love comedy but… I don’t really find Mr Bean funny. Do you? I love Britain and British humour but, I don’t know guys…
But you know what, I think aliens might find a deeper sense in it than I do, and besides Cristiano’s pecs tip the balance, so…
Human personalities: aliens impressed.
I could go into the most powerful countries, richest men, biggest armies, and all this nonsense. But Substack is showing me the ‘near email length limit’ message at the top, so I think it’s about time to wrap it.
Alien grand and final conclusion:
2 unimpressed and 1 impressed. Aliens are UNIMPRESSED.
Let’s be honest: our alien visitors would think we suck.
Perhaps they would consider meeting The Weeknd, Ed Sheeran, Cristiano Ronaldo, Baby Shark, Luis Fonsi, and Mr Bean, though, just to be sure? Maybe the alien overlord would invite them all onboard the mother-ship for a grand dinner to gain a better understanding. (Now that’s a dinner I’d like to attend!) Sadly, I don’t think the alien would.
After shipping back our all time favourite artists and personalities back to earth, they would observe us in silent contempt for a while, vaguely nauseated at our sheer stupidity. They would debate our completely unsustainable and meaningless societies, filled with vanity, power games, money, medals, glory, awards, and paid subscribers… Some of them might still think that we need saving, but the majority would point back to the dinner, just earlier with The Weeknd, and that would end up convincing them to give up on us.
What would our disappointed alien overlord do based on these facts?
Fiction often portrays aliens nuking us. Unfortunately, that’s improbable. They might contemplate evolving us, but our divisions and the required investment would deter them. Perhaps they would do what Europeans did to cultures they deemed inferior: barge in, seize whatever they want, and kill or assimilate everyone.
But what could they possibly desire from Earth that isn’t abundant in the cosmos and isn’t tethered to a gravity well? Minerals? It’s much easier to get these in space, just like water, etc. Perhaps they might covet our beautiful planet, but we’ve nearly ruined it beyond return… It doesn’t seem like a wise long-term investment, and annihilating us on the cheap would render the planet impractical.
No, sadly, I think the most probable scenario is that they would pack up and leg it. They would speed off from our star system as fast as they could, relieved that we didn’t guilt-trip them into saving us. Then, they might designate our entire region of the galaxy as a no-go zone, much like Stoke-on-Trent is for humanity.
Left behind, on Earth, we would be confused; we would be lost. Conservatives would blame liberals, and liberals would blame conservatives. In France, people would strike and riot even harder than usual. Britain would join back the EU under the premiership of Nigel Farage. New religions and sects would emerge, and perhaps even wars between countries over remnants of alien advanced technology left behind in their hasty escape.
itself might melt into a secondary schism, god forbid…Maybe the aliens would leave us with a parting gift? One chance at redemption! They might have transformed Cristiano Ronaldo into a superhuman during his visit aboard the mother-ship. He would then use his newfound extraordinary intelligence to unite the world under a new global Portuguese empire. Perhaps ‘Despacito’ would become our hymn and ‘Baby Shark’ our emblem!
These advances might give rise to a unified, progressive, divisively equalitarian and post-everything human dominion. Cristiano would be our supreme emperor and live on, forever, his muscles turning to soft metal like the Silver Surfer. We would go interstellar, and at long last, explore and encounter new and inferior civilizations!
We would traverse stars and galaxies for millennia... and perhaps, in the distant future, amongst our many encounters, we might stumble upon those very aliens again… Those who once thought us so unattractive and uninteresting.
These motherfuckers…
And then it would be PAYBACK TIME, BABY.
Time to do to them what we humans reserve to any ‘inferior’ culture; we conquer them, take over their land, cull their numbers, and assimilate the rest.
And then those bastards will learn to enjoy Ed Sheeran, Lewis Capaldi, Baby Shark, Mr. Bean, Starbucks, Taylor Swift, Ikea, Tofu, Blackpool, Francois Hollande, Fortnite, breadless burgers, Netflix, Ohio, Ski, Japan,
, apples, Venga Boys, X (formerly Twitter), TED talks, medical marijuana, iterations……………………GALACTIC POLL:
PS: This below didn’t fit my narrative so well, so as a typical human being, I pulled it under the rug. But here it is as a bonus.
Not too bad, eh?
Readers for the win! I’ll tell you what, maybe those who write and read books should take full control and reign via an enlightened dictatorship. Yes, I like the sound of that, and perhaps, just perhaps, I would be the best person to lead such a nation. Imagine golden marble statues of me, resembling Apollo, and people finally recognizing my godly nature. Culture and art would flourish...
Errrr, but these things often end up with gulags, don’t they? But then, would that be better or worse than an endless loop of ‘Despacito’?
Here’s what I don't understand: If aliens are so advanced, why do they keep crashing into Earth? 🤔
They have no problem at all flying through hostile space and avoiding accidents with meteors, but when they get here BOOM! 💥 💥💥 Lol! 🤣
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Remy, Thank you for such an enlightened, pertinent, intelligent and funny post. I agree with you, but I think that aliens arriving on the planet would have the ability to realise that we are still quite primitive and dominated by unconscious factors, but that we have enormous potential. So if the aliens weren't some kind of octopus or crab, I think they would re-educate us and then collaborate with us. In exchange for education and state-of-the-art technology, we would give them our potential for imagination, creativity and intelligence, which today, due to the fact that in terms of cosmic time we are barely out of the caves, is still very underutilised. Perhaps they could use it to generate hybrids.
By the way, do aliens know how to create and appreciate art?