So You Want to Write in a Second Language?

A warning for future generations

Photo by T.H. Chia on Unsplash

I have a confession to make. Something painful, usually deeply hidden behind layers of shame. Something I try to keep quiet, even from my loved ones.

I’m French.

There I said it. I’m not a ‘native’ English speaker. There is nothing I can do about it but try and warn future generations; so they don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made. So please hear me out. Please, do not be a non native. Don’t be French. THINK, before you commit yourself, like me, to writing in English for the rest of your life.

Here is why:

• Invariably when you publish something, you will feel that this time people are going to laugh at your mastery of English. Yes, even if no one ever commented on this until now, you will feel that today you will blunder, inadvertently using some obscure expression native to South Kentucky, and everyone will find you out for what you are: a fraud. This feeling will NEVER go away.

• You will never ever be a ‘native’ in the eyes of some employers no matter what’s on your portfolio. They’ve literally said ‘NATIVE’ in the ad.

• You will not be a ‘native’ in your own country either. In fact, they will be resentful that you left. They will think that you either: a) thought that your country sucked b) failed there, and therefore left c) think you are so much cooler than them.

• You will often wonder where your home actually is. This will sometimes leave you confused, disorientated, cursing, primal screaming, thus potentially antagonising your neighbours.

• This antagonism in your neighbours might turn to solid hatred if they find out that you do indeed write in a second language. Example:

  Neighbour: ‘Are you writing in English?’

  Me: ‘Yes.’

  Neighbour: ‘Oh dear…’ [Walks away].

• You will often wonder if you’ve made the right choice by uprooting yourself. You will look back at that tremendously unsuccessful love affair, which led you to this life of exile and wonder if you shouldn’t have become a dentist instead.

• You will hear weekly reminders from your mum about how you should have become a dentist, just like your happy and rich cousin who chose that path and stayed back home and is indeed very happy.

• You will live far away from your mum :(

• You will live far away from your happy dentist cousin :)

• You will have to play-act as the [insert your nationality] in some circles, as people just like a bit of pigeon-holing—especially in creative industries. So get ready to either a) act the stereotype b) act the stereotype in a passive aggressive way c) confuse people.

• People will find it rather weird that you want to create work that comments on ‘native’ people issues. Shouldn’t you be talking about stuff relating to the culture of [your country] But what is your culture? Do you even have a culture? What is a culture? etc.

• You will either a) have a thick accent in the spoken form b) sound like a twat trying to sound native, but doesn’t quite manage (worse). Either way, people will pre-judge your work on this and struggle to believe that you can write at all. But wait, Nabokov wrote in English! And Beckett in French!

• You will compare yourself to Nabokov and Beckett, which will not help your writing quotas.

• You will still have crippling doubts about what you write, release, and say, like any normal writer, just worse.

• You will be an immigrant, watching TV programs asking people in the streets whether immigrants are a ‘gain or a drain’ on their country. Actually, you are not an immigrant if you come from a rich country like [rich country name]. You will be an expat. Immigrant status is reserved for [poor country name].

• You will hear a lot of ‘Why did you leave [rich country name]’. Or ‘if I was [your nationality] I would move there, the industry is so much better.’ Or inversely: Wow, you’re from [poor/dangerous country]? And you’ll reply ‘Yes. BOO!’

• You will often begin thinking a sentence in English, switch to your native language in the middle, and then return to English to finish it. This won't help with your writing quotas either.

• You will make victimised posts on Substack complaining about the choices you’ve made in your life.

  BUT

• You will have two cultures, or one mixed culture. But what is a mixed culture? What is a culture? Etc.

• Some people will find you interesting and attractive due to [your nationality] (rare).

• You will curse in two different languages (common).

• You will feel incredibly proud when people like your writing, and when people forget that you’re not a ‘native’ (somewhat rare).

• You will be able to play on your national stereotypes to shamelessly try and milk some professional situations (very rare).

• You will make victimised posts on Substack complaining about the choices you’ve made in your life. (very common).

PLEASE

• Do share your own victimised comments under this post about a) not being a native b) being a native c) life sucks

• This is important as it will allow for a) deeper human connections b) deeper emotional support between all of us c) deeper promotion of my substack blog

• Feel free to also become a paid subscriber¹, so I can get a cool-guy-tick and thus get even more paid subscribers and thus generate a virtuous circle, which would no doubt, go a long way in healing my native/non-native issues.

• Tell me if reading lists is annoying (I kind of like lists, it gives the illusion of structure).

Being sad at being a non native.

1. Financial contributions are exclusively used for the author’s supply of mood-boosting essentials — Including antidepressants, mood stabilisers and maybe a chocolate or two.